[gentle music]
Where Elias Goes to Write. The Sunday
Room, number one, from Galena House Audio
and Avery Lane Maxwell.
A small note before we begin. This is a
personal podcast. I tell these stories as
I remember and understand them, from my
own life and perspective.
When other people wander into them, I
protect what belongs to them. These are my
words. My memories. And this morning, a
room.
All right. Come in. It is already warm.
Good morning. It is Sunday. That is the
door. And behind it, a room. Not a real
one. Not exactly.
A room I would like you to imagine with
me, for about the length of a cup of
coffee. Two chairs, facing each other but
not squarely. A lamp instead of the
overhead light.
A window with something worth looking at
in it. A low table with a box of tissues
nobody admits to using.
If it feels a little like a therapist's
office, that is fair. I am not a
therapist.
I am a writer who has noticed that the
best conversations happen in rooms built
for listening, and I am borrowing the
furniture, and the hour.
You take the good chair. I will take the
one by the window, because that is where
the light is, and because somebody in this
room has to look as though they are
working.
That is the Sunday Room. It goes wherever
I go, which this year will be a good many
places. You bring the coffee. I bring the
essay.
And it does have one address that stays
put.
Galena House has a home now, a writer's
studio upstairs at 350 Lake Dillon Drive,
in Dillon, with a sliver of the lake in
the window. Not a view. A sliver.
The kind you have to lean for. I will not
be there most of the time.
On the days I am away, the room is used
for sound baths and gatherings, and I have
been told, very kindly, not to put a desk
where the bowls go.
I like that the room keeps working when I
am not in it. That turns out to be most of
what I have to say this morning.
And before we finish, I will tell you
where Elias is going to write. Yes, that
Elias. Stay for it.
[river running]
So, what is the Sunday Room. Tuesday
carries the finished essay, the one I have
sanded down and set on the table. Sunday
carries the life around it.
A letter from inside the week, while the
week is still warm.
There will always be an essay in the
middle of it.
And around the essay, the things that make
a life feel lived in: a note from one of
you, a photograph, an object, a question,
a person, a recipe.
I am not trying to build an audience
around myself. I have met myself. What I
would like is to be the thread that a few
of you pass along to each other.
Think of this as the waiting room where
strangers start talking.
[wind]
This week's essay. Six Minutes at a Time.
I took six minutes through Frisco the
other evening. That is not a figure of
speech.
Six minutes, on a bicycle, from the
footbridge, left toward the post office,
down Main Street, to the Frisco Lodge.
That was the whole trip.
And the town was doing the thing it does
for about fifteen minutes in October,
where everything turns the color people
spend the rest of the year trying to
manufacture. Gold in the trees.
Gold caught on the buildings. Gold on the
creek. The mountains already going dark
behind it.
And I had a very strange thought. I know
this place. Not the way a tourist knows a
place after three days and a very
successful brunch.
I know which corners hold the snow late. I
know which windows catch the morning
first.
I know where the road changes under the
tires, and what Main Street looks like
before anyone is awake.
I know what the town sounds like when it
is full, and what it sounds like when
everybody has gone home. I know people
here. I know versions of people here. And
they know versions of me.
That may be the more important part.
Because I am moving on. Not from Frisco,
exactly. Not from everything.
From a chapter that has been large enough
that, for a while, I mistook it for the
whole book.
I think we all do that. A place holds us
long enough, and we begin to believe it
owns the definition. This is who I am
here. This is what happened here. This is
what this place meant.
And then, quietly, underneath: please do
not rearrange anything after I leave.
That last part is where it gets
interesting. I have always believed in
leaving a place better than I found it.
The sentence lodged in me early, the way
the good ones do.
Leave the room better. Leave the job
better. Leave the table better. Leave the
person better, if you can. Put something
good into the world before you move
through it.
I still believe it. But lately I have
wondered whether I have sometimes confused
leaving a thing better with leaving enough
of myself inside it that it cannot forget
me. Those are not the same.
[fire crackling softly]
I know how to make myself structural. It
is an old skill. Give me a place and I
will learn it. Give me people and I will
notice them.
Give me a building and eventually I will
know where the spare key is, who needs
coffee before conversation, which lamp
nobody else remembers to turn on, and
which small thing is about to become a
large one three hours from now.
Useful is a very seductive identity.
Especially if, somewhere underneath it,
there is still a boy wondering whether
usefulness might buy him permanence.
If I leave enough good behind, perhaps the
room will keep my shape. If I remember
enough, perhaps nothing important can be
lost. If I explain it carefully enough,
perhaps nobody can misunderstand it.
I have spent a good deal of my life on
that last one. Protecting what I know. Not
the facts, exactly. The versions.
The version of a person I knew when they
were good to me. The version of a
friendship before it became complicated.
The version of a house when everybody was
still inside it.
And the version of myself who made a
decision before he knew what it would
cost.
I keep them. All of them. There are days I
can still walk into perfectly. I know the
light. I know where the furniture was.
I know what somebody said, and what they
meant by it.
Or at least, I know what I understood them
to mean. That distinction has started to
matter.
[river running]
A few episodes ago I talked about the
versions we keep, and I have not been able
to put the phrase down. Because I do not
think we only keep versions of other
people.
We keep versions of ourselves. And then we
defend them.
Of course I did that. You do not
understand. You had to be there. I know
what happened.
Sometimes all of that is true. Sometimes
we really were the only person standing at
our exact angle.
But I have begun to wonder why we spend so
much of ourselves trying to make our angle
become the whole room.
Maybe because losing the version feels
dangerously close to losing the life.
If I stop defending that friendship as
beautiful, was it beautiful? If I admit I
was wrong about someone, was the love a
fake?
If I leave a place, was I wrong to call it
home?
I used to think yes. Some version of me
did. Now I think that is far too much
power to hand an ending.
Something can have been home, and then not
be. A person can have been wonderful to
you, and then not be.
You can have meant every word you said in
a room you later had to leave.
The later truth does not crawl backward
and erase the earlier one.
And we are so eager to protect ourselves
by rewriting. It hurt, so none of it was
real. I left, so I never belonged.
They disappointed me, so I was a fool to
love them.
No. Sometimes you were not a fool.
Sometimes you were simply there before you
knew what came next. Which is most of
life.
[fire crackling softly]
So I think I am becoming more interested
in protecting something else. Not the
person. Not the outcome. The honesty of
the moment itself.
If I loved you, I loved you. If I was
happy there, I was happy there. If I
believed I would stay, then there was a
version of me who believed it completely.
I do not need to embarrass him now because
he lacked the benefit of hindsight. He was
busy living.
I have been thinking about this with The
Amber Thread, too, because a portrait is
an odd promise. You sit across from
another human being and try to catch them
in words.
And you cannot catch a person. Not really.
You can catch a Tuesday afternoon. The way
they held a cup. The sentence they said
after they thought the conversation was
over.
What the light did to their face when they
talked about their mother. You can catch
what you saw. That is different from
possessing them. I think good writing
knows the difference. Maybe good love does
too.
This is what I saw. This is what I knew.
This is what was true between us while I
was standing there.
I do not need it to be the whole person,
or even the whole story. It was one room,
and I was in it. That is enough.
I think this is what I am trying to learn
before I leave another place.
How to leave it better without turning
around every five minutes to check that it
is still arranged according to my memory.
How to care for something and then let it
go on.
How to trust that a place does not have to
stay mine for what happened there to stay
mine.
I reached the Frisco Lodge after six
minutes, and that is where I stopped. And
there was something almost funny about it.
Another house. Of course.
A man spends thirty-one years looking for
home, and ends up with so many of them he
cannot decide which one to miss properly.
Georgia. Montana. Germany. Colorado. A
table. A hotel lobby. A friend's kitchen.
A garden in Denver. A footbridge. A road.
A little room upstairs on Lake Dillon
Drive, with a door that locks.
Perhaps I have been asking the wrong
question all along. Maybe home is not the
place you protect from changing. Maybe
home is what survives the change.
The way you set a table, because somebody
once set one for you. The recipe you make
differently now. The song someone gave
you. The way you notice the quiet person
in the room.
The sentence you still use. The way you
make coffee. The thing another human being
left in you, without ever knowing it would
stay.
That interests me far more than permanence
now. Not being kept. Being continued. The
small ways we go on in one another.
And that is what I would like Sundays to
become. I do not only want to tell you
what I know. I want to know what you are
carrying.
So here is this week's question. Not a
large one. Please do not send me your
autobiography. I already have one person
doing that around here.
What is one beautiful thing you still
protect from being rewritten?
Maybe it was a person. Maybe a place.
Maybe one afternoon. Maybe a version of
yourself nobody else ever understood
correctly. Tell me the detail. The small
one. Not what the whole thing meant.
What you remember. The cup. The shirt. The
song. The street. The sentence.
The thing that still makes you say: no.
That part was real.
I want those. Because maybe connection is
not everybody agreeing on what life means.
Maybe it is letting another person hand
you one true piece of theirs, and saying:
I believe you were there. I believe you
saw that. Keep it.
Write it on paper and keep it, if that is
all it needs. Or send it to me, at avery
at averylanemaxwell dot com, or by post to
Galena House in Frisco.
Tell me how you would like it held. Kept
between us. Read without your name. Read
with it.
Nothing you send becomes part of Galena
House without your permission, and any
answer is allowed to stay private.
And with permission, on a later Sunday, a
few of those pieces will come back here.
Not as advice. Not as confession. Just
evidence that other people are carrying
rooms too.
That feels like a Sunday to me. A little
less performance. A little more table. A
story, a question, something warm from the
oven, and people coming and going. Nobody
required to stay forever.
Just long enough to leave something good
behind. I still believe in that. Leave it
better than you found it. Only now I think
better might not mean unchanged.
Maybe better means loved while it was
yours. And free when it no longer is.
That is harder. It is also, I think, more
beautiful. And I am getting there. Six
minutes at a time.
Before the kitchen, two things, and then
Elias, as promised.
The first. If you are only listening to
this, there is a film of it.
The ride is in it, the gold, the creek,
the footbridge, the words arriving on the
screen as I say them.
A great deal of care goes into those
films, and I am not sure everyone knows
they are there.
They live on YouTube, and at
averylanemaxwell. com, under podcast.
Watch one with the sound up some evening.
I think you will see what I mean about the
light.
The second. There is no sponsor in this
room reading you an advertisement for a
mattress. There is a house, and the house
is kept by the people who listen to it.
The studio, the films, the books, the
time.
If this hour has been worth something to
you, there is a Patron Circle at
averylanemaxwell. com. Twenty of you at
ten dollars a month keeps the room. That
is the whole sum.
I would be grateful, and I will know your
names.
Now. Elias.
For a long time he has written in borrowed
hours. Early, before anyone needed
anything. At a counter, between arrivals.
With one ear always on a door.
Where is he going to write? Wherever I go.
That is the honest answer, and it is a
larger map than either of us expected this
year.
But he has a desk now that stays put.
Upstairs, on Lake Dillon Drive, under a
window with a sliver of the lake in it.
When he comes back to Colorado, the chair
is his, and the door closes.
He is not Avery. But he is not not Avery.
And I think he has earned a room that
waits for him.
I will not tell you what he is writing. He
does not like it when I do that.
And from the kitchen, because every Sunday
ends with something that can be made. Not
because every difficult thought needs
softening with butter. Although butter has
an excellent record.
Recipes travel differently than stories
do. They are changed by hands, and by
altitude, and ovens, and families, and
memory, and still they stay recognizable.
Something passed on. Something altered.
Something kept.
So this morning, the house pumpkin bread,
because it is October, and because, like
everything I bake, it did not start with
me. Somebody is in it. Somebody is in most
of mine.
One loaf. Fold the dry into the wet until
you cannot see flour, and then stop. Do
not open the oven for the first forty
minutes.
And let it cool before you cut it, which
history suggests you will not.
The whole recipe is in the kitchen at
averylanemaxwell. com, with the numbers
for nine thousand feet beside the ones for
sea level.
[silence]
This has been The Sunday Room, from Galena
House Audio. An imagined room, a story, a
question, something warm from the oven.
And a little evidence that somebody else
is out there.
Leave the room ready. Someone is coming.
I am Avery Lane Maxwell. I will see you
Tuesday.
[music swells softly]